Somtimes Stuff is just that, stuff

Sometimes when I remember growing up, it makes me feel wonderfully happy. Sometimes it makes me terribly sad. I know I can never go back...who would want to really. I know in my Heart that it is best to be happy where I am, right at this time. I really never wondered about the future much either. I never set my self goals very high. I set them where I thought I could make it. I only ever wanted to get married and have children. I always wanted to have somewhere to place all of the love that I did not feel I was getting from my family. I often wonder why I never felt that safe, warm, comfy love. I don't think it was really from my parents. I mean they were not to blame for my feelings. They were so busy just putting food on the table for my brothers and me. I felt abused in that I had to become responsible for preparing meals at such a young age. Looking back I realize that I needed to learn that responsibility. I wasn't much of a cook, never really put much effort into it really. Guess I felt intimidated by my parents and grandparents. I didn't feel I could measure up, so why try? I did not need anyone to judge me, I did a good enough job of that. There was a time when I liked myself...but I think I was very young at that time. Self confidence was never my strong suit. Then we moved. Everything I had known was gone. It was a positive move. We moved from a tiny house to what seemed like almost a mansion. We each had our own room with an extra one just for storage. I remember it was so cold in the winter in that house. Upstairs you could see your breath in that spare room. We had fuel oil heat. So, we bundled up when we went to bed and got up fast and got dressed behind the stove...very quickly~! With 2 brothers, I learned to do it quickly. We lived in a very small town, even though it was bigger than the town we came from. I remember liking being alone even back then. I would pretend and pretend and pretend some more. I would spend time beside the pond whenever I could. I wish now that I had taken pen and paper and written when I was sitting there all alone thinking about "stuff". The pond was just down the hill from the house..behind the barn. I am drifting from memories from our house in Missouri and the new home we moved to in Iowa. I was the only girl and got spoiled in a lot of ways. I had a favorite uncle who always looked out for me, Uncle Don. Okay, Okay, he was my ONLY Uncle...does that count? I have only come to writing in the past few years. I never had the urge back when I was wandering around the farm...did not seem important. I did not even think that I had anything worth writing down in my Diary. I would start out gang busters and then the rest of the pages would be blank. After about 2 days that would be the end of it. As I think back about our home by the pond, I now remember how tiny it must have been. There were 2 bedrooms upstairs, but one was used for storage and my 2 brothers shared the one at the top of the stairs. My room was the old kitchen, now a pass through, catch all room. My bed was a twin and was stashed in the corner under the eaves. My parents room was around the corner. My room also held the wash machine and dryer. Along with these rooms were the living room and the new kitchen. Small by modern standards, but since my Dad had just finished closing in the front porch and moved the kitchen, it seemed much larger than it was. It did not have an indoor bathroom yet, but most places didn't in the 1950's. One memory that just popped into my head is the time my brothers talked me into crawling into the dryer with our new baby kitten. I don't rememer what they told me that would make me believe whatever it was they said. the kitchen had state of the art style cabinets. They were glass fronted and the fronts served as the doors..and were sliding. They were really beautiful and I don't think a photo exists of them anymore if it ever did. At least I don't remember seeing one. Anyway, that is enough of my memories for this writing. I am getting sore hands and will need to rest for a while. I will continue to write about this at another time. Meanwhile, hugs to me from me. I deserve it. Kate

More Stuff

I remember few things of growing up, but what I remember is Happy. There were a few bumps in the road, like the time I got so worked up about getting to have a Birthday Sleepover. I was going to get to have 3 friends overnight! This was a first, and my nerves nearly got the best of me! I got more and more excited as the week went on. Mom said I was "fit to be tied" as the old folks say. It seemed like time had stood still all week. There was going to be games, movies, sleeping on the floor, Popcorn and even a big Birthday Cake. Mom was going all out for my big day. I was going to be 10! Double digits at last! The apprehension continued to build all day. It took forever for each class to end. Then lunch....how long does it take to eat? The afternoon was crawling. Finally I could not take it anymore.....I got sick in the school Bathroom! A call to Mom, and I was home early. Mom must have understood because she still let me have the Party, even though I had to miss 2 afternoon classes and a recess. She never ever said a word to me about it, bless her Heart. She did make me take a rest on my Bed for what seemed like forever.

Storms

This has been a Summer of the Storms. So many Tornadoes, some so close. One only a few blocks from here. Our former neighbor's home in fact. Lucky that they were not home. The boys were staying with the Grandparents, the parents were away from town. I will never forget that sound of the Siren and the waiting in the basement. I heard the roar as it went by. It was only an F1, but trust me, that was large enough. I hope one never comes that close again. We have had to go to the basement before but the tornado passed about a mile south of town and I am not sure if it even did any damage. We had enough warning to get to the basement in plenty of time. I grabbed my shoes, a weather radio, a jug of water and a flashlight. I came back up quickly for a blanket and pillow. Not smart I know, but I still did it. Husband was listening to the TV and did not come to the basement. I was not happy about that, but I think next time he will behave differently. When we saw the damage that an F1 could do, we once and for all realized what the power in the Storms is. It is not really the Tornado itself although that is terrifying. It is the debris that worries me. Boards sticking out of the side of houses, having entered halfway in like an arrow. Dents, holes, scrapes, broken windows. It goes on and on. We have a basement, yet in one Tornado this summer that was an F5, being in a safe place in the basement was still not enough. Debris falling on top was the killing factor. One Tornado came only a block from my Sister In Law and her Family. Scary. I have grown up in this part of the country and never before have I felt real fear. Maybe not so much fear as total Respect. Take care folks, listen to those weather reports and prepare, it saves lives. Hugs and Hug yourselves, you deserve it.

Yet another Spring!

I will remember this Spring as all others before it. Maybe not the specifics, but the feelings I feel this time of the year. Honest, deep, personal, hurting feelings. Good Feelings. Glad to be here Feelings. For that is what I am. Grateful. For many things...too many to list here. Some I am thankful time after time, some only once. I used to look toward Spring as a time of renewal. Now I look to Spring as a time to celebrate being alive! To look at Life with a positive mindset. To go on toward whatever and whenever I am to do, see...feel. What was I put on this Earth to acheive? Was it to parent loving, successful children? Was it to entertain others? Was it to teach? Was it to draw, sing, write? I must be honest and say that I still have not discovered that. I am still looking every day. With the happenings of the past year, I realize that there truly IS something else for me to do. I just have not discovered it yet. Please dear God out there, help me to realize and recognize it when it happens...I do not want to miss it. I know I am on the right path. I am no longer on the path to self-destruct....that is the best thing I can write about right now. No longer wallowing in self-pity. No longer thinking I do not fit. No longer feeling that I am not worthy. I AM and I know it. Now I am working on getting even more fit so that I will be able to handle the "whatever" when I see it. I know that I will forever be thankful that I am losing the weight that was weighing me down, almost drowning me in low self-esteem. When did I get beat down so low that I almost gave up on Life itself? It was a gradual sinking. I slowly let things in Life that happened assume a meaning they did not deserve. That will never happen again, for I will NOT let them get to me. Life is to be managed and survived. Let me know when to follow. Let me know when to jump in and lead. Let me know the difference! Let it never be about the money. I am working on getting my Heart condition fixed. Things have been going very well the past few weeks. I think the Doctor may finally have found the right medicine for me, pricey as it is. I am starting to feel more like a human instead of a blob. That took a very long time and several medicines to do. I should have asked for help much sooner. I did in fact do that, but did not speak loud enough to be heard. Whatever happens to you, don't close it all inside. Run, Yell, Sream, and YELL some more until you are heard. Change Doctors if you need to. Don't let them tell you there is nothing wrong when you sense there is. Trust your own instincts...they will never fail you. It has been raining a lot recently. There have been several Tornados already this Spring. There was a bad Tornado last November too. This recent one was in Iowa City. It took out much of the downtown area. The reporters are still letting us know what happened. They had to wait until they were allowed to get their film crews in to send back to us what had happened. I know the beautiful St. Patricks Church was nearly totally demolished. There were some minor injuries, but no fatalities. There were 30 people inside the Church when the Tornado hit...they managed to get to the Recreation part of the Church as the steeple and windows and walls came down. It was a Maundy Thursday none of us will soon forget. People are starting to pay more attention when the storms are forcast. I guess one has to come close before it truly sinks in. I am glad our girls no longer live in Iowa City. There have been some close calls already in Council Bluffs and Omaha as well. We worry and warn and then wait. Our children all made it safely through, thank the Good Lord! More storms are forcast to come. One this afternoon, then rain the rest of the week until Friday. Friday and Saturday are to be sunny and beautiful for our trip up near Decorah. I cannot wait to go, it should be a wonderful weekend. It is a long drive, but well worth it. I remember Lacey's wedding weekend. It rained most of that one too, except for the day of the Wedding. The Sun popped out just long enough to make her day Beautiful. We are getting a lot of hands on time with Hunter. I love being able to take care of him so his folks can get some respite. I would have given anything to have had such a haven when my girls were small. We can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we left them anywhere. I should have looked harder for some connections in that respect. I just never really tried. I think I feel a nap coming on now. We had an Easter Lunch out, and the sleepy time has hit me like it always does after eating a large meal. We went to a Buffet, and it was very good. I overdid, but will compensate this week. That is what Life is, Compomise and Adjustments. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend, that you were safe and warm and had enough to eat. See you next time, Hug yourself again, because you need it~! Katie

Kate's Story

I wanted to add some information about myself, as I continue my journey to discover Kate. Along the way I have been doing a LOT of reading, and thus have realized that this road I travel is a normal road of a woman who is no longer young. Having said that, I now also realize that this is a GOOD thing! Who knew? lol Some of the information I do wish I had read about 4 years earlier...perhaps it would have made this journey less rough. However, that said, how else do we learn but by doing the living? Hindsight is ever so clear. Would that we be given a bit of it first? I guess that is like wishing in one hand isnt it? *wink* Figure out the rest of that by yourself. I feel like the Little Engine that DID now days. I feel like I am at last on the right path and that the future will be nothing but good. And, if I happen to be wrong in that, and there are other "rocks" in my road, that I will be able to face them and move them ever so gently out of my way. I still dont know where I am going exactly, only that I am moving forward instead of sitting in one place any longer like I have been doing for the past few.....months, days and years. Sometimes to move forward, one has to journey back...and explore the present..and that, dear Friends, is what I have been doing. I really hate to think that I have wasted the past few years doing so.... depression stinks... Let me give you some advice....if you find yourself in a Depression, fight it! I knew I was there, but let it overcome me for a time. I let self pity almost get the better of me....I am fighting that tooth and nail now. Get moving to help yourself...literally. Get outside and walk, workout, go to the mall and walk, do something to end the feelings of Depression. Take Control, I finally did. That is not the easiest thing to do with the state of the world, but exercise and eating right are helping tremendously. All I wanted to say is that I like where I am now. Oh, there are things I wish were different, thats true of any person at any given age. Just try not to get bogged down in the Shoulda Coulda Wouldas and move on to embracing the good things you have. We all have so many, even those without shoes can find a good thing if they try long enough and hard enough. With bare feet you can feel the soft cool grass! See? I found one right away! Find 5 things to smile about, they really are there! Write them down, even if they are the same ones every day...and no matter how minor or trivial they are, you can find them. Hope your day is all that you wish it to be, and that your nights are even better! Give yourself a huge Hug too, because you are the person who matters most~! Katie

POSTSCRIPT TO AN EARLIER WRITING: I think of my Mom often as we are in the middle of winter. Of course, that said, I think of Mom often no matter what Season we are in. You see, I lost my Mom last May. She died. She got sick again in March. The day after my Dad sold their home on the Lake. Two days after his 79th Birthday. Four months after they moved into town to be closer to the doctor and hospital. I will not go into details of her illness at this time only to say that I was able to be with her and my Dad a lot during that time, and for that I am eternally grateful. I wrote of her illness a bit earlier on, before I truly knew what was coming. I have to admit that previous writing tells that I did know...and expected the worst to happen. It was my only way of coping at the time...preparing myself for the worst while hoping for the best. I don't want this writing to be a sad session. I want this to be a healing session, for me and for anyone reading this that might be going through some sort of trauma or rough spot in their own life. I celebrate my Mom's Life. I have to admit until now I did not realize how remembering a lost loved one as they were is a blessing and comfort in a time of extreme pain and loss. She was a wonderful woman. She was very talented and intelligent. In her life time she made many friends. Students remembered her teaching enough to come to her funeral 30 years after she taught them in her classes. She found fun in things that most think of as mundane or boring. This wicked sense of humor has passed to me and for that I am extremely proud and thankful. She would laugh her way through everything, even up till the end. One of the last things she said to me was an attempt at humor to put her family at ease...and to ease the looks she must have read on our faces. None of us should ever attempt to play Poker, she would have said had she been able to. Dad is so lost and alone now. He still says "we love you" when we end our telephone conversations. How long does one feel a part of a whole after losing a friend, mate, and confidant of over 60 years? Forever, I would assume...and that is so very understandable. Dad went from sleeping next to the love of his life nightly to taking her to the hospital. There, he ended up sitting by her side on and off for 2 months before she died. We all thought she was going to get better, the signs were all there...we were so hopeful...but it was not to be. I write here about how brave I think my Dad has been while going through all this, he is now fighting his own health concerns. He will turn 80 in March. I only hope this Spring will be a better one for us all. While last Spring, and then this Christmas were rough, it has made me truly appreciative of every little common every day thing in my lil ordinary life. Along with the ups and downs of this past year, there have been many happy times too. That is why I want to celebrate both my Mom and Dad and their Life together. How many can say that they married their child hood sweetheart and had puppy love for 66 years....my Dad can. I will write more about Mom at a later time, she is and always will be on my mind...I love her to this day and feel her around me. I miss her and will always do so. Hugs Mommie, I miss you. Katie

I have often wondered about where I would be creatively if I had been nourished in my infancy toward this creativity. After all, what child is afraid to try passionately? Where and or when did this child retreat into fear? I must have been repriminded or discouraged in some way. Was it a teacher? A practical parent or grandparent? I do not know, and now perhaps never will know. Besides, that is not what matters at this point in time. What truly matters is that I return to create. Passionately...for I feel I must try again, no I MUST try again. Even if I fail. Even if I never get anything published. I truly want to believe in the PROCESS of the creativity. I want to bloom, blossum, flower. I want to try to harness this passion I cannot seem to control. I want to sing, draw, write, produce works that give joy to the world. We certainly need to have more creative contributions to the world. Where would we be without Music, Song, Art, Written Words on Paper???? I think about that a lot. It seems so unpractical....yet I crave it with my very being. How do I get beyond feeling that it is frivolous? For I truly think it is Me Kate who needs convincing of this. I feel pressured to write for money...for otherwise why write? Tis the mindset of those around me...and truly mine as well. For deep inside me I feel as if I cannot do justice without money. I cannot afford to take the time to write and delve into my own passion. These are thoughts and restraints I put upon myself. That MUST change.....so be it. Katie