Somtimes Stuff is just that, stuff

Sometimes when I remember growing up, it makes me feel wonderfully happy. Sometimes it makes me terribly sad. I know I can never go back...who would want to really. I know in my Heart that it is best to be happy where I am, right at this time. I really never wondered about the future much either. I never set my self goals very high. I set them where I thought I could make it. I only ever wanted to get married and have children. I always wanted to have somewhere to place all of the love that I did not feel I was getting from my family. I often wonder why I never felt that safe, warm, comfy love. I don't think it was really from my parents. I mean they were not to blame for my feelings. They were so busy just putting food on the table for my brothers and me. I felt abused in that I had to become responsible for preparing meals at such a young age. Looking back I realize that I needed to learn that responsibility. I wasn't much of a cook, never really put much effort into it really. Guess I felt intimidated by my parents and grandparents. I didn't feel I could measure up, so why try? I did not need anyone to judge me, I did a good enough job of that. There was a time when I liked myself...but I think I was very young at that time. Self confidence was never my strong suit. Then we moved. Everything I had known was gone. It was a positive move. We moved from a tiny house to what seemed like almost a mansion. We each had our own room with an extra one just for storage. I remember it was so cold in the winter in that house. Upstairs you could see your breath in that spare room. We had fuel oil heat. So, we bundled up when we went to bed and got up fast and got dressed behind the stove...very quickly~! With 2 brothers, I learned to do it quickly. We lived in a very small town, even though it was bigger than the town we came from. I remember liking being alone even back then. I would pretend and pretend and pretend some more. I would spend time beside the pond whenever I could. I wish now that I had taken pen and paper and written when I was sitting there all alone thinking about "stuff". The pond was just down the hill from the house..behind the barn. I am drifting from memories from our house in Missouri and the new home we moved to in Iowa. I was the only girl and got spoiled in a lot of ways. I had a favorite uncle who always looked out for me, Uncle Don. Okay, Okay, he was my ONLY Uncle...does that count? I have only come to writing in the past few years. I never had the urge back when I was wandering around the farm...did not seem important. I did not even think that I had anything worth writing down in my Diary. I would start out gang busters and then the rest of the pages would be blank. After about 2 days that would be the end of it. As I think back about our home by the pond, I now remember how tiny it must have been. There were 2 bedrooms upstairs, but one was used for storage and my 2 brothers shared the one at the top of the stairs. My room was the old kitchen, now a pass through, catch all room. My bed was a twin and was stashed in the corner under the eaves. My parents room was around the corner. My room also held the wash machine and dryer. Along with these rooms were the living room and the new kitchen. Small by modern standards, but since my Dad had just finished closing in the front porch and moved the kitchen, it seemed much larger than it was. It did not have an indoor bathroom yet, but most places didn't in the 1950's. One memory that just popped into my head is the time my brothers talked me into crawling into the dryer with our new baby kitten. I don't rememer what they told me that would make me believe whatever it was they said. the kitchen had state of the art style cabinets. They were glass fronted and the fronts served as the doors..and were sliding. They were really beautiful and I don't think a photo exists of them anymore if it ever did. At least I don't remember seeing one. Anyway, that is enough of my memories for this writing. I am getting sore hands and will need to rest for a while. I will continue to write about this at another time. Meanwhile, hugs to me from me. I deserve it. Kate